Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
