strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
