im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
