just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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