hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
