4 words: hood of his car
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I love having hate sex.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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