Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
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