Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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