So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
