we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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