I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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