Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
