I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
