i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
