I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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