There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
