I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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