Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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