i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
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At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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