So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
