Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
