Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
