im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
