the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
