and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
