my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
