Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
