im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
