she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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