she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
