I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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