we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
