Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
