we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
