i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
