Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
