...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
