You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
