i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
