So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
