She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
