Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
