Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
