mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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