I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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