3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
