If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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