I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
