she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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