just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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