Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
