peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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