sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
