my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
