I just made out with a guy for $7.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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