Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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