I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
