im drinking this country out of the recession.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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