I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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